Growth is terrifying. It embodies the unknown. It feels like taking a deep breath, sending a prayer into the blackness of the Universe, and stepping off a cliff into the unfamiliar. There you stand for days, weeks, months, desperately wading in groundlessness and trying to find some kind of stability that makes sense. But, there is no sense; there is no control. Therein lies the purpose. In learning to become comfortable in the the groundlessness, we grow. In accepting our lack of control and listening to our soul, we become the person we are meant to be. We find our true purpose in this life.
Having stayed in a career for over ten years that remotely encompassed my soul’s calling, was exhausting. Teaching is one of the most noble of careers, as it reaches all our children, not only helping to develop their minds, but also their hearts. Teaching is not only sharing knowledge, but also love and how to love one another regardless of race, language, gender, ability, the home we live in, or the clothes we wear. Our teachers today must possess a deeply rooted passion to enter the classroom each day with a fresh mindset and the patience of an angel. They must have a thick skin, so as not to allow the trauma of a student’s world, define his/her presence in the classroom. There is no rest for those who teach, as they are always left thinking about those students who needed the most love and the most time that day. Teachers’ devotion is endless; they sacrifice their own time, money, hugs, and sleep without reservation. They are true warriors of our children’s self-growth, and do it all for the love of knowing they are making a positive difference in the world.
There were days and years when I felt that passion for teaching, the passion to reach every child. I felt that devotion to help create a better, more caring world one student at a time. I marvelled at the academic and social-emotional growth my students made over the course of the year, and tears always accompanied my goodbyes each June. However, over the years, something was changing in me. The devotion started to dwindle for completing all of the “extra” requirements in professional development, the neverending assessments, and an endless need to prove of my abilities through reflections and observations. My soul was whispering that something was missing. It led me to gravitate towards reaching out to my families in poverty and building relationships with the community. It drew me to create lesson plans based on historic, social events that changed our country and our world. Suddenly, I was inspired by leading discussions around why slavery happened, how racism still exists in our nation today, and our roles as individuals in changing that reality in today’s society. I was newly motivated by having conversations around why wars still happen in our world and by teaching students about the beauty of the cultures we see in our community. Teaching reading bored to me terribly, unless of course, the book sparked an interesting discussion about social topics and/or a message of understanding and peace that we could incorporate into our daily routine. I lost interest in the have-to’s and longed for the teachable moments. The Universe was nudging me forward. It was time for me to listen.
When life feels impossible day after day, when you lack the passion for what you are doing, it is time to change. This is the Universe telling you that you are nearing the end of one part of your journey, as scary as that can be. You will take with you all you have learned thus far, as that has made you who you are. You will push through that fear of that unknown, let go of the comfortable, and embrace a new road in your journey.
I left teaching last June unsure of what my next step would be. My husband’s job unexpectedly brought us to Illinois, just outside of Chicago. For the past six months, I have been wading in groundlessness. Unsure of everything, feeling lost for months, reaching for anything that felt “secure” in an unfamiliar place. Even though unsure of the reasons why, I believed this was the Universe’s plan for me. For the first time since high school or college, I was able to just be; to meditate; to listen. As another school year started in September, I did not feel longing to be part of it. Rather, I felt relief to not set-up another classroom, to not do another round of Beginning Of the Year assessments, to not teach classroom routines once again, and to not write a new yearly goal describing how I would go above and beyond to meet my students’ needs during the school year. There was, however, one thing I did miss – meeting new families and getting to know a new group of students. This was my soul once again whispering my purpose. It was guiding me to my new beginning.
Over the last few months, my soul has breathed new life into the things that I love like my writing. In teaching, there was no time to practice my writing. But now, with time to reflect, I also have time to write. Being the quiet soul that I am, my brain often cannot find the words that my heart wants and needs to say. Writing gives my heart a voice. It breathes purpose into my highly-sensitive emotions and my empathy for others. I believe it is my higher purpose, but I do not believe it is my only purpose.
Even with writing, I still long for that people connection I had in teaching. My soul speaks of a desire to use my blessings to serve those in need. After months of listening, searching, and understanding, it has brought me to a new opportunity as a counselor at a homeless shelter. This shelter is program-based in assisting individuals to find employment and eventually find new housing and ultimately a new life. I am both curious and anxious to walk this path. Just thinking about how my eyes will be opened once again, how I will connect with new people, and live what I teach, makes my heart smile.
Life is full of adventures, and this will be a new one for me. But, I believe that is the point. It is through life’s adventures that we grow, we learn, we take another step closer to becoming the individuals we were placed on this Earth to be. As scary as it is to quiet the noise buzzing around us and take that first step into the unexplored, it is ever more terrifying to just stand still in a familiar world. Never growing or becoming the person you were put on this Earth to be, is a life wasted; and to me, that is the most painful of all. For when we listen to the secrets of our soul and have faith in the Universe, we emerge humble on the other side wondering why we waited so long to leap.
Chronicles of an Open Heart 